Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
