I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
