If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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