just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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