she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
