I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
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judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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