You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
