Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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