Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
