can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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