we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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