before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
