So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
