just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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