her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
...so i touched it.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
