My hair reeks of homosexuality.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
