I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
