he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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