five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
