I was born with a shot glass in my hand
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
