I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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