I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
