Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In other news, I just burned my penis
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
