As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
