ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
