The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
