GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
