I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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