ya dads aren't the best wingmen
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
