My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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