I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
