ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
