Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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