ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
