Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
