Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
