I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
