Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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