I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
