she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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