I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
