but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
