just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
