he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
