i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's shark week go big or go home
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
