Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
