Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
