i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
