i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
FUCK WHALES
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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