mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Never underestimate the power of titties
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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