Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
