i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
