matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
