I think my vagina is haunted
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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