If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
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The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
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Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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