We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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